What is Non-hierarchical polyamory?

A way to practice multiple simultaneous relationships without imposing any form of hierarchies on those relationships.

A key component to non-hierarchical polyamory is autonomous decision making. When it comes to decision making, no particular relationship is designated as having the right to set requirements or limits on the other relationships in the network. (For example: no veto power, no needing permission from anyone, etc) The people in the relationship make decisions together about that relationship - no third party discussions needed.

Alongside this, a component of non-hierarchical polyamory is the "ceiling" of the relationship is determined by those in the relationship. It doesn't mean that all relationships are going to be at the same level of commitment or entanglement - but it does mean that any level of entanglement/commitment can be on the table if both people in that relationship want that. There is no artificial "cap" set by someone else, or other agreements that you have made.

An example of a "cap" could be:

• Making a commitment to one partner to not cohabitate with other partners

• Making a commitment to one partner to not co-parent with other partners

• Legally binding agreements that are limited to one partner (ex: Marriage)

• Needing to inform before X activity with others occurs aka needing to ask permission for X

Is that all? What about ✨nuance✨?

The thing is, when you make certain commitments that have big influences on your life (co-habitation, children) it is easy for non-hierarchy to become sneaky-archy. Sure, you haven't agreed with your nesting partner on explicit veto power over other partners and that person inevitably has more influence over your life as more of your life is shared. Keeping each relationship independent requires a fair amount of boundaries and resources. It also may not be perfect at all times, but that doesn't mean that it isn't non hierarchical polyamory.

IME, some of things help (or are critical):

• Having your own walls (eg: your own apartment in a shared house, your own room, your own space, etc)

• Having your own money (eg: separate bank accounts)

• Having your own schedule (eg: you control your own time)

• Having clearly separated and/or defined responsibilities re: kids, chores

What is Non-hierarchical polyamory not?

• Having equal feelings for all partners

• Wanting the same thing from every partnership

• Having all relationships progress at the same rate

• Never having entanglements

• Never making hard decisions

• Never having priorities

Wait- if you have priorities isn't that hierarchy?

Yes, and also no. In reality, everyone has priorities. I think it depends on what "takes priority" means in practice. What does that look like? What is being prioritized?

If that priority is consistent? Is a particular partner, the one who always takes priority? Does them taking priority affect other partners? Then yeah. That is hierarchy, you are just not acknowledging that.

If that priority is situational? A partner needs more attention because they got in a car accident? Lost a parent? Is having a mental health crisis? etc etc. If the priority is not determined by who the partner is, but rather by what is happening then I don't thing that is is the same thing. It is about doing what is needed, in the given situation, rather than ranking partners. You are prioritizing going to a hospital over going on a date - not prioritizing partner A over partner B.

I do think this is worth being critical over tho - because if the roles were reversed, and now you see the situation as less deserving of priority? Then yeah I would sense some sneaky-archy. If the situation is constant or about making one partner feel more secure at the cost of the other partners security (eg: I am not doing X with you because my nesting partner isn't comfortable with it) then that is sneaky-archy.

Life happens, and sometimes we have to make a decision about who or what means more to us. Non-hierarchical polyamory doesn't erase this reality. It just means that the answer is less clear-cut, not pre-determined and may create a hierarchy in an of itself. Consistently deciding to prioritize a partner over others is hierarchy.

... And more often that not, having children means that the relationship with a co-parent is prioritized over other partners for the sake of the child. This is, more often than not, necessary and will create a hierarchical dynamic between parents and non-parents.

Non-hierarchical polyamory seems impossible

Well it is not easy and society as is is, is hierarchical. I think doing non-hierarchical polyamory 100% perfectly is not realistic because doing anything 100% perfectly 100% of the time is not realistic. But if you do your best to minimize as much of the hierarchy as you can, adjust along the way and are able to do it most of the time - great! I don't think the label "non-hierarchical" should be gate-kept anymore than any other term.

It is also okay if non-hierarchical polyamory doesn't work for you, your current lifestyle wants or needs. Non-hierarchical polyamory is not better than hierarchical polyamory. You don't have to be non-hierachical. There is no OneTrueWay Ⓒ to do polyamory. It is okay to be hierarchical, just be honest about it.